Freeze. Hide. Repeat: The Loop that Kept me Stuck

I flipped between Pinterest and my email as a video played on new social media strategies to help grow my following from zero to 10,000 in 3 months. As I listened, I could feel my heart doing the anxious dance. My mind started asking questions like, " Will you follow this strategy”? Aren’t you tired of listening to these videos and doing nothing? Now that you know that you no longer want to work for someone, what will you do? This isn’t cutting it, Charlene. I want to do more? The thoughts floated from hemisphere to hemisphere so immediately that I dropped into fix-it mode. I turned off the video, took a few breaths, and closed my laptop. I went to my room to change into my favorite, it’s going to be okay, high-rise Madewell jeans with holes in the knees. As I opened the closet, another thought flew into my mind: You gave those jeans away last year, love. Oh yeah, I thought and let out a frustrated sigh. I wanted to go outside to walk, knowing that the cityscape would help my heart, but where I am, there is no cityscape. As I looked around the room, nothing in my immediate sight was mine. I was in my childhood room, with all of my mother’s things: her bed, her sheets, her accent pillows. The only things that belonged to me were the luggage sitting on the floor, the box in the corner, and the clothes in two bins. I then asked, "Is this truly how I want to live this time of my life, and what is important to me?" I quickly let out another sigh. More and more, I realized I was living the repercussions of my decisions, or better yet, my indecisions.

The landscape takes shape once the autopilot button is turned off. As I was looking at it, my natural emotions (ego) wanted to insinuate that my life was still in shambles, but I knew better. What left was meant to go, and what was here is a part of the foundation of the life that I am building. A perspective that took me 3 days of reflection, meditation, and breathwork to fully understand.

As I thought about my favorite jeans, the fact that all my possessions were in boxes, and my childhood room, my mind began to run away with feelings of failure. “I can’t” started playing in my mind, and I started reverting into a victim. I am not a victim of anything. I have free will to do what I choose. I said immediately. Speaking to the fear that was coming up in me. I then started to speak out loud. This is the beginning of a beautiful life of alignment. I and the Father are One. A statement that grounded me in my body. My heart beat seemed to get lighter, and I could feel my shoulders lower from my ears. I began speaking again. He is leading me on this path of Love. I can do hard things, like start over. I took a deep breath in and a slow breath out. That calmed my nerves just enough for me to leave my house, take a silent drive into the city, and then head to a coffee shop near my home.

As I drove, my mind began to clear, and I realized that it is natural to want to blame others for the life we are living. We watch people do it all the time, whether it be in our homes, on TV, or on social media. I didn’t want to blame anyone for the life I was creating. Been there, done that, got the bumper sticker, and the tattoo to release me from that thought. My life is mine, and I can rewrite it any way I like. I choose to write it as life filled with joy & love. So, let me begin! I pulled into an aesthetically pleasing coffee shop, named Cafe Bellí. The modern feel, with beige walls, green velvet furniture, plants, and calm, made me excited for a croissant and coffee. Did I mention I am coming off a fast? The way I wanted a piece of bread and a cup of coffee was like a hungry baby looking for her mother’s breastmilk. I walked in excited to order, only to see that they were closing. No sweat, I said with a smile. This isn’t the place, I thought. I walked out, hopped back in the car, only to park 10 parking spaces up to enter Coffee Man. This coffee shop was spacious, with its high ceiling and large windows that let in sunlight throughout. 90s pop played in the background, and I began to hum the words as I ordered a coffee and croissant. The croissant was delicious. I opened my laptop and hit the record button on my phone.

One thing I understand about this season is that I am in a season of visibility, which means I am creating content that tells stories and inspires others to take hold of their lives. I went back to Pinterest as if it were some oracle that would help me come up with my next blog post. As I scrolled, a thought came to me: talk about the cost of living a life that isn’t yours. A few deep breaths, sighs, and a whole liter of water later, I had the beginning of this blog post. While driving home from the coffee shop, listening to Comforter by Shai, another thought came from my heart. Does your post sound like someone who is a victim, or does it show you standing in your power? Definitely a victim, I thought. I then knew that I needed to sit with the piece longer. This sparked the desire for a total life rewrite.

Rewriting your Life

Let me start this section by saying rewriting your life doesn’t start by reinventing yourself. A self-worth lesson that I had to learn twice over the last 12 years or so. A rewrite starts with changing the patterns that you keep repeating. I bolded this for you and for me. I have this sentence plastered on my bathroom mirror, the ceiling, the office/living room, and the closet door. I may even tattoo it on me. LOL! I came up with a 10-question exercise that forced me to go deep and look at the parts of me I try to keep hidden. By answering each question honestly, I was able to identify the patterns that have kept me in this cycle of disappointment.

After going through the exercise myself, I realized my pattern. Freeze → Hide → Analyze → Miss opportunity → Regret → Reset → Repeat. YIKES! This was such a tough realization that I didn’t even want to share it with you all. I have a deep fear of being seen because I do not like to disappoint people. This has shown up in me showing up small to avoid expectation, then once I am comfortable leading projects. Most of the time, people wonder where I have come from or why I am not showing up. The late, great Wayne Dyer once defined FEAR as Fuck Everything And Run, and that is exactly how I’ve shown up in the past when I've been met with this emotion. The thing that I have learned and am continuing to learn daily is that fear is a signal that I am either entering danger or the unknown. My instincts can sense danger and give me a clear understanding to get out or do not do. The unknown is where I get confused and allow self-doubt + the unknown to create a regret cocktail.

For the next 90 days, I have chosen to rewrite my narrative of being seen. To reassure my nervous system that it is safe, I have chosen some grounding practices. This should help me stay regulated and not let FEAR cheat me out of living life. Life is for the living, and we cannot be afraid to live it. Here's how I process fear through my body before it makes decisions for me.

Morning: This grounds me in my day.

·    The Lord’s prayer, then I pray for myself, family, friends, and whoever has asked me to pray for them.

·    15 -30 minutes of silent meditation. This varies, depending on the day and what I wake up with on my heart.

·    Read: This has been The Bible or some other spiritual text.

·    Journaling: This is where I talk to God about everything. This is our time. It is a practice that I do every morning. This grounds me in my day. In the afternoons, I take a walk outside and breathe. In the evening, I do reflection journaling and, if I am unstable, breathwork to get me back into alignment.

Evening: Grounding after a day of work

·    Reflection: This is where I reflect on the day and close it in peace with the Lord.

·    Breathwork: Some days, I end my day feeling a bit out of alignment. Usually, this happens when I do not complete everything I need to do, which leaves me confused. During this time, I usually do a breathwork practice on the Insight Timer app.

Below are the questions. I’ve provided a few of my answers for you to see how truthful I was with myself. I had to be ruthlessly honest about who I was on paper versus who I was showing up as. From my answers, I created my 90-day arc, focusing solely on visibility. A call that I have been dodging for years.

1. What story am I currently living?

·    Who am I in this version? In this version, I am an educated mother (BA & MA), who has lived life. I was in the military, worked in public relations, owned a boutique marketing agency that assisted in building personal brands, marketing campaigns, social media content, website, and branding efforts, and helped launch a personal development company for women in sports. I’ve worked with professional athletes, colleges and universities, small businesses, celebrities, influencers, and large companies. I’ve traveled the world and have had opportunities people only dream about. I am a good/great friend and dope ass aunt. I am kind, fun, and loving. Yet, I am back at home, living with my mother, single, and with little to show for all the talent and skills I have.

·    What role do I keep playing? The fixer? The strong one? The almost-there one? The visionary who delays? I keep playing the almost there role and the visionary who delays.

2. What patterns keep repeating?

·    In love? I am open to love, but I am not interested in people who are interested in me. When the people who interest me show up, I freeze and do my best to become invisible. Then I talk about the missed opportunity and say, "Next time, I will not do it," only to do it again.

·    In money? I receive money. I pay off my bills and buy the things I need. I usually spend all of it knowing I can make it again, but I don't, because I fall into analysis paralysis when it comes to putting myself out there to the public. So, I go into planning, thinking that if I follow the plan, I will get it done, only to feel uninspired by the plan days later. Next thing you know, it is the next month, and nothing has changed, which leads to mismanagement.

·    In visibility? I start off knowing what I need to do for visibility. Then I start to question if I understand the landscape of social media. So I watch video after video, taking copious notes. I tire of creating fast content that I am not in love with, and I either leave it on my phone or on camera. I never finish. I posted 1 YouTube video last year and then started Flourish, my community group, instead. Flourish consisted of people who already knew me and my talents.

·    In follow-through? I rarely follow through for myself—a blog post here, a social media post there. I have lived working for others and planning for a deeper insight for myself. I am always giving ideas to others and hoping that one day I will use the advice I give.

3. What am I tolerating that my future self would not?

4. Who am I becoming in behavior, not aesthetic?

·    How does she handle money?

·    How does she show up when she’s scared?

·    How does she structure her day?

5. What does she no longer explain or apologize for?

6. What does she do consistently, even when it’s boring?

7. Pick 3 identity anchors:

Example:

·    I am a woman who finishes.

·    I am a woman who stabilizes before expanding.

·    I am a woman who speaks clearly and often.

What daily action proves this?

8. What is one behavior that keeps you in the old story?

9. What is the one area of life I am actively rewriting right now? (Love? Money? Identity? Structure?)

10. What does success look like in 90 days — specifically?

The next time your heart does the anxious dance — and it will — don't reach for Pinterest. Don't flip to your email. Don't open another strategy video promising you 10,000 followers in 90 days. Instead, stop. Look around the room you're in. Really look at it. What belongs to you? What are you holding onto that was never yours? What are you ready to release? This is where the rewrite begins. Not in reinvention. Not in a new aesthetic or a vision board. It begins in the quiet, honest moment when you stop running from the pattern and finally name it.

Mine was: Freeze → Hide → Analyze → Miss opportunity → Regret → Reset → Repeat.

What's yours? To find out, download the questionnaire here.

Your Next Step: Set a timer for 20 minutes. Answer the first two questions without editing yourself. You are not looking for pretty — you are looking for true. What you find there is the first page of your rewrite.

And if fear shows up while you're writing — good. That means you're finally getting somewhere.

Love, Charlene