The Sweet Taste of Freedom
Cling, cling, cling, is the sound I hear as I mentally watch the brown, rusted, covered metal shackles hit the ground of my mind's foundation. Each cling brings a smile to my face as I taste the sweetness of freedom — the freedom to be me, wholeheartedly. This sweetness reminds me of the intense satisfaction of eating a ripe strawberry in the middle of the summer. Joy emanates from every part of my body, reminding me that life is as beautiful as I allow myself to perceive it. It feels right. I am feeling more whole and opening my mind to exploring the world's offerings.
I read a post yesterday by Myleik Teele that said, "You are bored because you are boring." She goes on to discuss losing the ability to be curious, and honestly, I couldn't agree with her more. I can pinpoint exactly where I lost my ability to be curious. It was right around the time I had my son. The transition from being a career-driven, independent, unmarried, and childless woman to being a wife, stay-at-home mom, and homeowner felt like a huge shift. It seemed like a good idea when I originally agreed to it, but it felt like I was dying a slow death. The narrative I heard from women I looked up to at the time was focused on your husband and child. Let go of who you used to be and focus on who you are right now, a wife and a mom. Your career now is to ensure that G grows to be a smart and successful kid, and your husband is taken care of. You will have time to focus on yourself when G goes to high school. I took it literally, and there went everything, including my mental health. From then on, I began to seek reassurance from family members and friends that I was doing the mom and wife thing correctly, until one day I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I wasn't just G's mom and a wife. I was more. I needed to start over, so I let go of all the things that felt incongruent in my life, including my marriage. My curiosity went out the door, and in came the fear of making the wrong decisions, fatigue from trying to do what was suggested, and comparison, which led me here, on the journey back to myself.
With each mental shackle that falls off, I am learning better ways to deal with misalignment. I realize that understanding myself is an inside job. Life is a balance that no one quite has down, and no one can tell me how to be me. These are all essential foundational principles for life. As I explore these principles, I'm becoming increasingly curious about life, and allowing peace and curiosity to take the lead. This month alone, I have:
Went to a Kaytranada concert as a solo date. Shout out to Jess for this opportunity. First, let me start by saying I did not listen to house music before this concert. Now, I do. I am now sold! I moved and grooved to his multidimensional playlist like I knew it. I'd never heard of him prior to Jess mentioning him. However, as soon as the first DJ touched his turntable, I knew this concert was worth attending. The crowd was majestic. People dancing and singing from one end of the arena to the other. No one caring about anything but having a great time. I won't lie, at first, my legs felt like they were in cement as I thought about dancing. My ego started its regular scheduled program of 'don't dos.' I listened for a little, then I began moving. It started with some stiff arm movements, then my waist eventually began to move, and some foot action ensued. Not much, maybe a toe tap or three. It was great. It made me wonder what other genres I am missing out on and what other concerts I can attend.
Started Pilates. Bout. Damn. Time! That is all I can say. I have been watching people do pilates on YouTube and Instagram since COVID. I have recommended it to many people without trying it myself. Never stepping a foot in a pilates studio until this week, pilates hurt so good! I moved muscles that probably haven't moved in 35 years. There was one point when I looked up at the ceiling and heard myself scream, "I LOVE THIS!" I felt pure joy. I'm sore today, but it was well worth it.
Cooked new meals to open my palette. What is the sense of having a Pinterest board if you never try anything? This is what I said to myself as I added more things to my eat board. I finally decided to cook a pinned Hearty Lentil Soup. The soup was delicious, if I do say so myself. My mom liked it, and she doesn't try new food. It opened my curiosity about what else I can make. Also, what cuisines am I missing? Stay tuned, I feel a cooking class on the horizon.
Allowed myself to get creative with my appearance. Now this is where my mind has been running wild. I am a minimalist in thought. But I am opening up to more. Over the past few months, I have been incorporating color and texture into my wardrobe. It is exciting! I have also started playing with makeup again. I love makeup that looks natural, and so I have been all in aysha_harun TikToks. Her skin is fantastic, and her makeup looks flawless. I have already purchased a few of her makeup recommendations.
I've stopped doing trendy things and am now doing things out of sheer interest. Museums, walking in parks and around neighborhoods, reading, art and DIY projects, music, and meeting with family and friends - these are the things I am dedicating my time to.
Dating. Oooo, stay tuned because I am doing this. It is time to knock off the dust on my dating life. Where can one go to do this when they are not using a dating app?
All of this feels exciting. I feel like I am starting a new book in the saga of this lifetime, called Freedom to Be Me. What would you do if you gave yourself permission to be curious again?
Love, Charlene